Tutti Matti

At heaven’s Gates luglio 26, 2006

Bill Clinton, Al Gore, and Bill Gates all died in a plane crash and went to meet their maker.

The supreme deity turned to Al and asked, tell what is important about yourself. Al responded that he felt that the earth was the ultimate importance and that protecting the earth’s ecological system was most important. God looked to Al and said, ” I like the way you think, come and sit at my left hand”.

God then asked Bill Clinton what he revered most. Bill Clinton responded that he felt people and their personal choices were most important. God responded, ” I like the way you think, come and sit at my right hand”.

God then turned to Bill Gates, who was staring at him indignantly. God asked “What is your problem Bill Gates?” Bill Gates responded ” I think you are sitting in my chair”.

Parking luglio 24, 2006

A businessman walked into a New York City bank and asked for the loan officer. He said he was going to Europe on business for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000. The loan officer said the bank would need some security for such a loan.

The business man then handed over the keys to a Rolls Royce that was parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checked out and the loan officer accepted the car as collateral for the loan. An employee then drove the Rolls into the bank’s underground garage and parked it there.

Two weeks later the businessman returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest which came to $15.41.

The loan officer said, “We do appreciate your business and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a bit puzzled. While you were away we checked and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why you would bother to borrow $5,000?”

The business man replied: “Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for fifteen bucks?

More Tommy Cooper jokes luglio 20, 2006

1. ‘I was cleaning out the attic the other day with the wife. Filthy, dirty and covered with cobwebs…. but she’s good with the kids…’

2. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other ‘your round.’ The Other one says ‘so are you, you fat b*stard’

3. Cos it’s strange, isn’t it. You stand in the middle of a library and go ‘Aaaaaaagghhhh’ and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

4. So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said ‘Is that the local swimming baths?’ He said ‘It depends where you’re calling from.’

5. My wife and I were fighting like hammer and tongs. She won, she had the hammer.

6. I went to the doctor. He said ‘you’ve got a very serious illness’. I said ‘I want a second opinion’. He said ‘all right, you’re ugly as well’.

7.A man walks into a greengrocer’s and says, I want five pounds of potatoes please. And the greengrocer says, we only sell kilos. So the man says, alright then, I’ll have five pounds of kilos.

8. So I said to the taxi driver, ‘King Authur’s Close’. He said, ‘Don’t worry, we’ll lose him at the next set of lights’

9. A policeman stopped me the other night, he taps on the window of the car and says: ‘Would you please blow into this bag, Sir’. I said: ‘What for, Officer?’ He says: ‘My chips are too hot’.

10. I got stopped again last night by another policeman. He says: ‘I’d like to follow you to the nearest Police Station’. I said ‘What For?’. He said: ‘I’ve forgotten the way’.

11. This little old lady was frightened. She looked at me, she said ‘Do something religious’. So I took up a collection.

12. One year I got a bike for my birthday. So I went peddling off down the road and knocked an old lady down. ‘Can’t you ring your bell?’ She said. ‘I can ring my bell,’ I said ‘But I can’t ride my bike’

13. This fella is on safari in Africa when he comes across an elephant lying on the ground, in distress. He investigates and finds a thorn in its foot. He removes it, and the elephant trots merrily away. Twenty years on, the man is standing in the street in London watching a circus procession pass by. When the elephant gets level with him, it stops, looks straight at him, reaches out with its trunk, lifts him bodily into the air, smashes him on the ground and jumps on him. It was a different elephant.

Hate your job??? luglio 16, 2006

When you have an “I Hate My Job” day, try this.
On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the
thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson
and Johnson. Be very sure you get this brand.

When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect
the phone so you will not be disturbed. Change into very comfortable
clothing and sit in your favorite chair, open the package and remove
the thermometer.

Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not
become chipped or broken. Now the fun part begins – Take out the
literature and read it carefully.

You will notice that in small print there is a statement, “Every
rectal thermometer made by Johnson and Johnson is personally
tested”. Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times, “I am
so glad I do not work for quality control at Johnson and Johnson.”

Now – HAVE A NICE DAY AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS WORSE THAN YOURS!

Money… luglio 15, 2006

It can buy a House
But not a Home

It can buy a Bed
But not Sleep

It can buy a Clock
But not Time

It can buy a Book
But not Knowledge

It can buy a Position
But not Respect

It can buy Medicine
But not Health

It can buy Blood
But not Life

It can buy Sex
But not Love

Money isn’t everything. And it often causes pain and suffering.
I tell you all this because I am your Friend, and as your Friend I
want to take away your pain and suffering…

So send me all your money and I will suffer for you.

I ACCEPT CASH, MONEY ORDERS, PERSONAL CHECKS, CASHIERS CHECKS, BAGS
OF GOLD, BARS OF PLATINUM, ETC.

Tommy Cooper Jokes luglio 15, 2006

0. Two blondes walk into a building……….you’d think at least one
of them would have seen it.

1. Phone answering machine message – “…If you want to buy
marijuana, press the hash key…”

2. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for
shorts. The shrink says, “Well, I can clearly see you’re nuts.”

3. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I
couldn’t find any.

4. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he
couldn’t reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, “No, the steaks
are too high.”

5. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him
in.

6. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,
“Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs!” The doctor replied, “I know
you can’t, I’ve cut your arms off”.

7. I went to a seafood disco last week…and pulled a muscle.

8. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the
craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can’t have your
kayak and heat it.

9. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered
with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

10. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his
head. Doc says “I’ll give you some cream to put on it.”

11. “Doc I can’t stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home.”
“That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. ”
“Is it common? ”
“It’s not unusual.”

12. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. “My dog’s cross-eyed, is
there anything you can do for him?”
“Well,” says the vet, “let’s have a look at him” So he picks the dog
up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says,
“I’m going to have to put him down.”
“What? Because he’s cross-eyed? ”
“No, because he’s really heavy”

13. Guy goes into the doctor’s. “Doc, I’ve got a cricket ball stuck
up my backside.”
“How’s that?”
“Don’t you start.”

14. Two elephants walk off a cliff…boom, boom!

15. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

16. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me “Can you
give me a lift?” I said “Sure, you look great, the world’s your
oyster, go for it.’

17. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5
people in my family, so it must be one of them. It’s either my mum or
my dad, Or my older brother Colin, Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu?
But I think it’s Colin.

18. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other “Your round.” The
other one says “So are you, you fat bast**d!”

19. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery
acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the
other one off.

20. “You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, ‘Parking Fine.’
So that was nice.”

21. A man walked into the doctors, he said, “I’ve hurt my arm in
several places” The doctor said, “Well don’t go there anymore”

22. Ireland’s worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a
small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search
and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that
number to climb as digging continues into the night.