More Tommy Cooper jokes

1. ‘I was cleaning out the attic the other day with the wife. Filthy, dirty and covered with cobwebs…. but she’s good with the kids…’

2. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other ‘your round.’ The Other one says ‘so are you, you fat b*stard’

3. Cos it’s strange, isn’t it. You stand in the middle of a library and go ‘Aaaaaaagghhhh’ and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

4. So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said ‘Is that the local swimming baths?’ He said ‘It depends where you’re calling from.’

5. My wife and I were fighting like hammer and tongs. She won, she had the hammer.

6. I went to the doctor. He said ‘you’ve got a very serious illness’. I said ‘I want a second opinion’. He said ‘all right, you’re ugly as well’.

7.A man walks into a greengrocer’s and says, I want five pounds of potatoes please. And the greengrocer says, we only sell kilos. So the man says, alright then, I’ll have five pounds of kilos.

8. So I said to the taxi driver, ‘King Authur’s Close’. He said, ‘Don’t worry, we’ll lose him at the next set of lights’

9. A policeman stopped me the other night, he taps on the window of the car and says: ‘Would you please blow into this bag, Sir’. I said: ‘What for, Officer?’ He says: ‘My chips are too hot’.

10. I got stopped again last night by another policeman. He says: ‘I’d like to follow you to the nearest Police Station’. I said ‘What For?’. He said: ‘I’ve forgotten the way’.

11. This little old lady was frightened. She looked at me, she said ‘Do something religious’. So I took up a collection.

12. One year I got a bike for my birthday. So I went peddling off down the road and knocked an old lady down. ‘Can’t you ring your bell?’ She said. ‘I can ring my bell,’ I said ‘But I can’t ride my bike’

13. This fella is on safari in Africa when he comes across an elephant lying on the ground, in distress. He investigates and finds a thorn in its foot. He removes it, and the elephant trots merrily away. Twenty years on, the man is standing in the street in London watching a circus procession pass by. When the elephant gets level with him, it stops, looks straight at him, reaches out with its trunk, lifts him bodily into the air, smashes him on the ground and jumps on him. It was a different elephant.